Has anyone ever felt so alone in the world...

Like your drowning in the middle of the ocean...

and no matter how loud you scream...

no one comes to save you...

Like your trapped in a life you don't want...

like everything you thought was real is fake...

and everything that you thought would never happen is happening...

Where things are so crazy in your life...

that you've been with a man for 2 years... and never spent an anniversary together...

because so much shit happens to keep you apart...

Where your fiance is three thousand miles away...

and you don't know when you'll be able to see him again...

This is my life.


My fiance had to move to california because of numerous reasons involving money, work, and the fact that my step dad didn't want him in our house anymore. I'm supposed to be moving there too... But it's costly. See, for him it was just a bus ticket. For me... it's the cost to ship the important things... and then my dog... and then my pet rats... and then myself. The plan was... that he'd work out there with his mom, and use the money to help me get there. However, it's difficult when his mom wants to use the money for other things first, meaning he has to work for free and gain nothing in return. He's angry and frustrated, and I feel it.

The biggest thing... is that all the people that we'd hang out with... seem so far away now. My phone used to ring all the time... after he left, it hardly rings at all... The people who I thought were friends, never call me... and when they do... it's to see how adam is... or if i've heard from so and so. They never call me... to just talk... or to see how I am... or to see if I wanna hang out...

I've tried talking to my parents y'know, just to talk. But... they don't seem to care. It's like...the book they're reading or the tv show they're watching is much more interesting then the stuff their daughter has to say...

So i'm left alone... with no one to talk to... except at night, when I call adam. But the thing is... I feel annoying... or overwhelming. Because I go all day, sometimes even a few days... without saying anything. All the stuff that happens in life builds up and I spill it all onto him... He's all I have...

Sometimes it feels like I talk too much when I call...and sometimes it feels like he too, gets bored hearing about all the funny stuff I see on youtube or all the bullshit I deal with at home... Or how I say I love you and I miss you like 5 times in a row, because all i really want right now is to be there... with him. And he knows it, and he wants me there and he loves and misses me too, but I know it can get a little...annoying when you say it over and over and over and over again...

And then when things get a little rough over there, with arguinng and dealing with some crazy shit that's been happening... people tend to get frustrated. So some calls, I feel his tension... his frustration. and no matter how many times I hear him say "i love you too baby..." it's never enough.

I feel obsessed, like my worlds gonna end if I don't talk to him. And for a month, I've talked to him nearly every night. And tonight, it all just hit me at once, that I don't know when i'll be there... I don't know when I'll see him... and I worry that something will happen... something bad.

I try to make money, to help me get there quicker... but nothing works. I can't get a job because no one's hiring in this shitty county and I don't have a car anymore... I can draw, so I thought, hey, i'll do little $10 commissions for people and make some money... No one's asked me for any...and it's not that the art is bad... i've seen worse than mine that gets all sorts of requests... it's like... i'm invisible.

I feel like God's punishing me. Like, i'm not a good enough grand daughter, I don't take very good care of myself like exercising and eating right, and i've fallen a little behind with school. So now I have to suffer all alone with no friends and no life. I spend every day on this fucking computer, typing away to all my "buddies" online who I know in real life would probably never be my friends. Don't get me wrong I love you guys but we've never met in person and if you knew me you'd probably think the same thing everyone else thinks.

I feel so lost... so off course... I want to go back to school, but I need a job, I need money and I just don't have it. If I got to cali, i'd be able to work and make money and pay for this online school, but getting to cali will cost me close to $600... and I have $1.30 in my purse...

I doubt anyone will read this, because most of you don't care, butt for those who do, I love you and appreciate your friendship... even if we don't talk or hang out... It's nice to know some people care... I just wish I knew more that did...

I also wish my life was good, and happy, and social...instead of shitty, and sad, and lonely...

I need a miracle...

Hello I thought i'd create a new live journal because the old one I made I kinda forgot about and never posted to. So this time I think i'm going to really use this one. I love writing stuff about life and everything else I just usually do it in my own book. Buuuut anyways, sorry that my first post is a bit well... depressing...

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I'm so upset right now... I just don't know what I'm going to do. See... Adam has been on probation since January and it was supposed to be a year but his PO said that if he paid everything off right away it would only be 6 months. Well, after my step-dad kinda told him if he didn't get a job he'd have to move out (even though my mom would never kick him out and everything was settled with that argument) Adam just wants to go. He wants to move up to Alabama for a while and work on the tug boats like his brother's have done/are doing right now. The pay according to adam is good, $100 a day and you work 20 days and get off for 10 each month.

The plan was, that he'd go up there for a couple months but the first month or so I wouldn't be able to contact him at all. His phone is a trac phone and we talk to much for him to be able to buy enough minutes for us to talk every night like we usually do. So once he's able to buy a phone of his own that's not a pre-paid, then we'll be able to talk again. However, He's not going to be coming back to florida until he has a car. Now I bet your wondering where his probation comes into all this. See, his officer said he couldn't cross borders (tis just the general rules of probation). But, adam's going to do it anyways. When he's ready to, he said he'll turn himself in which = more time away from him if they put him in jail for a little bit. I told him he shouldn't go yet and should finish probation first, but he just wont listen (stubborn is he).

I'm not sure how to deal with this. I barely see him as it is being in college and all so the thought of not seeing or even talking to him for anywhere from 2 to 3 months is really hard on me. There's not many people I can go and hang out with and it'll be just like... no one to talk to or hang around while i'm there... kinda how it was like when I was in high school... The girl across the street, Ashley, used to be my best friend in elementary school but we stopped talking to each other for a while and now it's just hard for us to really talk a whole lot because it's almost like we just met. I feel like i'm going to go insane while he's gone... it's just so upsetting to know that for at least a month you wont see or talk to your boyfriend of whom you only see 3 1/2 days a week.

I just don't know what to do, i'm not sure how to keep myself from breaking down into this huge spiraling depresseion of no return...